A Little Darkness on the Side

Deep Dark Wood
by
Jordan Grimmer

 – By Robyn

I know I mostly have talked about anxiety, however I also have suffered depression as well, or as I like to refer to it… A little darkness on the side. I have come a long way with dealing with my depression, which is why I thought I should talk about it now. I would like for you to have a round picture of me before going into how I have been working, and the tools I have been using to solve these issues I have – all while throwing in little tidbits of present day. I hope you are able to read, relate and learn.

For my depression, I can trace back to it starting when I was 16. I remember having this feeling of hopelessness that simply would not go away. I remember thinking I wanted to move away, start fresh, not tell anyone where I went… but then the thoughts of “You can’t do that… You can’t do anything… you suck at everything… tell me I’m wrong… You can’t?… Gee something else you suck at.” I can tell you I am paraphrasing and that the thoughts were a whole lot nastier… but I will not get into that. I am not there anymore.

On top of that, I was tired all the time. Slept as much as I could. Did not have any hobbies. My school work… it was awful. Showed no interest in anything except for hanging out with my friends. I ate to cover my feelings. I am lucky I did not turn to drugs or alcohol for comfort… but I know my parents would not have that, and I feared them at the time (Now my parents and I have a more healthy, respectful relationship). So to sum this up, I ate and pretended all was right in the world – thinking it was normal to feel this way.

I continued to live my life… being in relationships I should not have been in. Or not knowing what is considered healthy or not. When I was I believe 23 this guy and I broke up, I knew it was the right thing to do but I had lost my best friend. And it hurt. A lot. Pain that I have never felt again since that relationship. Pain I hope to never feel again. I felt I was not good enough. I was always someones second choice. And I determined my happiness based off of how the other person made me feel. The relationship was a huge meshed situation, and I will tell you right now… Dude, that’s not healthy.

Now during the age of 16-24, I had no idea I was depressed. I knew I didn’t value myself high. I knew I had horribly negative thoughts. Knew it was a battle getting out of bed every day. Knew that I felt like I was drowning, and a horrible darkness was surrounding me – but I did not know why. This all started to change when I made a choice for me. I did not seem to have a lot of support, but I went to study Child and Youth Care with Addictions Support.

This course ended up being a self-help course to the max. Anyone who knew me before this course and after would say I was two different people. Yes my internal core ,values, beliefs what makes me Robyn, is still there. But how I carry myself. How I present who I am. The vibe I give off. What I allow to come into my life and stay – all has changed. I have better self-awareness, self-esteem, and I have value to me.

So there you have it. An intro to my depression and my anxiety.I should also take a moment to mention here that I also had Postpartum depression, and did not know until my baby girl was 18 months. Frankly, I refused to see the warning signs.(This will be another blog for another day.)

I believe I am ready to start discussing the tools I used to help myself. I am ready to get down and dirty, and show you what made me become me. How I was happy enough with me… and able to love myself enough to know I did not need someone else to determine my happiness. And with this I was finally able to find my true love when I was 26. And not only is he my best friend,  I married my Soul-mate.

I am excited and nervous to start getting into the nitty-gritty of how I became who I am today, and what I use to help me grow every single day. But, if only one person reads it, and it helps plant the seed… well… I helped one person and I am proud of that accomplishment.

So let me dig deep. Next week – we start.

 

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