Finding inspiration for my first blog entry… Well, it was kind of hard. I had a few ideas floating around… A little bit of writers block… Nothing I thought I could commit to – that could be developed into something real. Then I remembered the words of my favorite author that my sister and I saw in Halifax N. S. She said “When you have writers block, allow yourself to write crap. It will come.” So lying in bed beside my husband, typing away on my smart phone in an email, I am going to venture into my first topic – Introduction to “The Beast”
I might as well get this out of the way. I live everyday with anxiety. It’s a hard way of living. It feels sort of like you’re constantly in a hyper-vigilant state. Something is coming for you. Something that is huge, with crazy teeth, probably eight legs is coming to hurt you or those you love… And the only way for it not to find you is to hide… Probably in your bedroom… Under the covers.
Now anything can set off this crazy beast to come for you. I mean anything. Something as small as “I forgot to pack a hat for my daughter… And, she’s going outside from the house to the van, then the van to the house”, or “Someone just asked you for help at work. You are trying to show them, but you cannot seem to get your hands or mouth to work properly…” To the dreaded “Going to someone’s house. You don’t know if they like you, or if you’ll fit in. Will you relate to the topics? Will you know what’s going on with all the inside jokes… Do they really want you there…” Dude, the list goes on.
The beast sees an opening and just goes for it. The smallest window of opportunity and bam! There he is. Coming for you. Your heart starts to race. Your breathing gets fast. You start sweating. Mild to moderate shaking. Your teeth could even chatter. Your mind is racing and you can’t form any words. – You have now entered into survival mode. Half of your mind is going to say “We got to GTFO of here, right now. And by right now, I mean now, now. Not later now. Not in 5 seconds now. NOW!
Now, want to know what the other half is saying? Robyn. Breath. Calm down. You’re being ridiculous. Everything is fine. No one is in danger. No one will hurt you or your love ones. If someone judges you, it is a reflection of them and their own personal issues nothing about you. – All of which are completely true. All of which you cannot process, because you are in fight or flight mode. All because of the stupid, imaginary beast that is attacking you, destroying your city, has your love ones held hostage, and the ransom is your sanity.
So, that’s the short version of how anxiety can easily control your life. As I said in the beginning, it’s an intro to the beast. One of the few beasts that I battle every day. Stay tuned as I write about walking through this journey, and hopefully slay this beast once and for all.